My Plea for "Quiet Diplomacy" in the Workplace

Have you ever been in a meeting where the loudest, shoutiest extroverts won the day? Or ever been told you'd "fit in" a lot better if you socialized more and gave up your time on the weekends to hang out with coworkers? Stinks, doesn't it? In a world so very full of noise and bragging and posturing, how much would change if we used a sense of quiet diplomacy?

Links:

https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153

https://themanhattanherald.com/finding-dag-hammarskjolds-quiet-in-noisy-political-times/

https://thejobmarketjournal.com/f/its-all-about-control-always

https://theintercept.com/2023/09/23/tim-gurner-speech-unemployment/

Links where I can be found: https://causeyconsultingllc.com/2023/01/30/updates-housekeeping/

Need more? Email me: https://causeyconsultingllc.com/contact-causey/ 

Transcript

Transcription by Otter.ai.  Please forgive any typos!

Welcome to the Causey Consulting Podcast. You can find us online anytime at CauseyConsultingLLC.com, and now here's your host, Sara Causey.

Hello, hello, and thanks for tuning in. In today's episode, I want to make a plea for quiet diplomacy in the workplace. You may remember that in 2012 Susan Cain released the book quiet, the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking. And probably every introvert, at one point or another has checked that book out from the library or has a special copy of it on the bookshelf. Because for us, it makes a lot of sense, even just the title. The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking. And she, in that book, discusses how American culture, maybe even western world culture, in general, doesn't put a premium on introversion. It's geared much more towards loud, boisterous extroverts. There's a supposition or stereotype that if someone's being quiet, it's not that they're processing. They're thinking they want to give you a sincere and well formed opinion, it must be that they're not interested. Maybe they're shy, maybe they're painfully shy and they're not capable of speaking up. Maybe they just don't care. I believe I've told this story on the air before, but I had a friend whenever I was in graduate school, and he was a painfully shy extrovert. He loved going out, and he really did enjoy being the center of attention. He liked to do like spoken word, slam poetry type things and karaoke, but he would get really nervous, and he would have difficulty going up to someone he had never met before to begin a conversation. So I would be his wingman at times, or wing woman, I guess I should say, because I don't care. It doesn't make any difference to me to go up and talk to a stranger. So it was funny that we were like these weird little bookends, someone that's a painfully shy extrovert and somebody that is a not shy at all introvert who has no issue at all talking to somebody new. It's just my social battery runs out after a little while, and big groups of people and loud, pushy, aggressive types of activity wear me out really fast. So what I would do is I would get him into a social milieu, open some doors for him, and then I would leave about the time that he was just getting warmed up with his poetry or with his conversation with eight different people, or karaoke night or whatever. I'd be like, Okay, I'm gonna take off. I've had enough of this. I need to go somewhere and have peace and quiet and solitude. But he loved it, and he really drew energy from being in those loud social situations. He just had a lot of difficulty going up to somebody for the very first time and saying, Hi, my name is or, Hey, do you come here often? Hey, I want to put my name in the hat for karaoke. So I would have to open those doors for him, and it was just really foreign to him, this idea of, I don't really care what other people think, my friend Hal, okay, so here's another little back story for you. I met Roger Moore on Fifth Avenue years ago, and it was just really, really cool. And when we were waiting to meet him, I made friends in line with this guy named Hal and it was one of those true Kismet situations. There was just something in the air. There was something about our proximity to one another, as the young kids might say, it was a vibe. I was just catching his vibe, and he was catching mine. And there was just this sense of we like each other, we have some stuff in common. And he had gone into this bookshop and bought several of Roger's books that he intended for Roger Moore, an autograph for him. I was standing there with one which still remains in my collection of prized possessions, and I could just feel that energy. And so I just poked him a little bit on the shoulder. I was like, did you leave any books for everybody else? That was it. Sparks flew in a platonic way. And we just stood there and talked and talked and talked and talked. And he would say things like, well, he would tell me about different places he had gone to autograph hound or to get a picture with somebody famous. And his philosophy was, I ain't having lunch with you. I ain't going to bed with you. I ain't married to you. So if you don't like me, what do I care? Do? And it's like, yeah, exactly. I think a lot of introverts can relate to that, maybe not everybody, but I think a lot of introverts can, because it's like, I'm not worried about what everybody else on God's green earth thinks about me. It's just, frankly, not relevant to my day to day life. You're gonna always have some people that like you, that get what you're doing, that, enjoy your company as a person, and some people who don't, and that's okay. It puts so much pressure on someone to be in a situation where doing an excellent job at the job is not enough. You really have to jump through the hoops and play the social game I've talked about this many times before, not only here on the air, but across the different blogs where I write, corporate America prizes, conformity, obedience, control. Are you going to go along to get along, or are you going to be a problem pal? It's really not about being a maverick. It's not about reinventing the wheel, making positive changes, trying to make the workplace better in some way, even companies that say we don't get into the mentality if this is how it's always been done, we're not open to change. We're very open to suggestion. We're very open to trying something in a new way. In a lot of cases, not every case, to be clear, but in a lot of cases, that's just simply lip service, they're paying some sort of happy homage to the idea of liking a maverick, liking change, trying to be more current, but in actuality, what they prize is obedience. And for me, whenever I was still working for other people outside the home, I so often felt like a left foot stuck inside a right shoe, I could walk, I could get where I needed to go, and my productivity level was never, ever, ever called into question, ever by anyone. You could call any manager whether they liked me as a person or not. You could call any manager that I have ever worked for in my life and ask if I was a hard worker, and they would emphatically say yes, I was never a slouch and I was never a goof off. I always worked. The problem would come with the social nonsense, because that's always how I viewed it. Social nonsense, forced socialization. Ugh. And I think also for introverts, we're accustomed to this idea of having to be quote, on there's a public face, and then there's a private face. And when we're in that private space with a close friend, a close family member, or even somebody like my friend Hal, somebody that I literally just met on Fifth Avenue, waiting in a line when there's that spark of recognition between two people of the same vibe. God, introverts can stand there and talk for hours, and I have been in those situations before where I have talked and talked and talked with somebody, and then somebody else would say, Aren't you supposed to be an introvert? Y'all, y'all stood there and talked for like, four freaking hours. Everybody else gave it up. I didn't think introverts were like that. Well, introverts certainly can be in the right space, but for me, I have always approached work from a viewpoint of, we're at work to work, and in any type of sales capacity, it's really about your production. You are there to make money, to make money for your employer, and then, secondarily, via commission, you're there to make money for yourself and to be able to provide for yourself and your family. You're not there to play games and goof off and be social. That's how I've always looked at it, but you would be amazed at how many employers don't see it that way. They view it as well. Yes, you're here to generate money, but that's just the entryway. That's just the price of admission. You're also here to be obedient, to be a conformist, and to tap dance. I want to see you give me jazz hands. I want to see you at Billy Bob's barbecue on Saturday, and I want you to be in the softball tournament, and I want you to come to the park and play cornhole on Sunday. And it's like, why can I not just go home? Long pause there, why can I not just go home and be with my family, have time with close friends that I don't get to see 40 plus hours out of the week. Why do I need to be forced into social activities in order to just to justify some kind of weird loyalty to a company i. I have never really understood that outside of the framework of it's about obedience, conformity and control. You go where you're told to go, including asinine social events, because that's what you're told to do, and you better paste on a smile, and you better act like you like it, because if we get the vibe that you're only there because we've roped you into it, we're going to be mad.

Have you ever been in a meeting where the loudest, shoutiest extroverts won the day, even if their ideas were absurd and completely implausible because they had the loudest voice they won? Or have you ever been told by an employer? We we like your production, we can tell that you're a hard worker, but you'd fit in a lot better around here if you socialized more. We really want you to hang out at the coffee pot and the water cooler and talk more often. You don't have to go to Sally's baby shower on Sunday. You don't have to go to Billy's pool party on Saturday. You don't have to do it, but it would really be good if you did. And this creepy, passive aggressive arm twisting starts. That really stinks, doesn't it? You feel so called out and singled out and awkward, because it's like, well, no, I don't want to go do any of those things. It's not that I don't like those people or have anything personal against them. I would just rather be alone, be with personal friends or be with family. It's difficult for me to understand why that's difficult for somebody else to absorb. And I wonder, in a world that is very full of just general noise and detritus, but also people who are braggadocious, people who are jockeying for position, people who are credit hogs and limelight hogs, I wonder how much the world would change if we used a sense of quiet diplomacy. I wonder that in general, particularly on the political stage, and we just, I'm not going to get into politics here, but we just recently had that awkward and embarrassing debate. I try to imagine what that would look like to somebody outside the US. You have one person that's standing there being very loud and braggadocious, and then you have the other person that's completely incoherent and saying things that don't even make any sense. That person appears to be an escapee from a rest home. Wow. I if I were watching something like that in a foreign country, I'd be like, Who is in charge around here? What has happened to the state of affairs, but within the workplace in general, I would really make a plea towards quiet diplomacy. I sat down recently with Dave Morgan, who's a reporter for The Manhattan Herald. We have been talking about how even though the United Nations is headquartered in New York City, and Dag Hammarskjöld was a very important UN Secretary General that made a tremendous impact on that organization. He's really not widely known by the American audience, still well known in Sweden, yes, but for Americans, not so much. And he had this practice that he termed quiet diplomacy. And so Dave asked me, How would you describe that quiet diplomacy? And I responded:

I think Hammarskjold’s own words are useful. In a 1955 interview with Alistair Cooke, Dag said that it is impossible to negotiate without a “reasonable degree of secrecy.” Yes, include the news media and include transparency where possible, but still while asking for a sense of quiet in order to achieve the best possible result. So for Hammarskjold, it was not about secrecy for its own sake or secrecy in the sense of shady back room deals, but rather the space to hear each side in a conflict and seek common ground without outside forces derailing the proceedings while still in a delicate state. In the same interview, he talks about his role as a trustee for 60 nations and how important it was to exercise discretion in such a position. At that time, a group of American airmen had been detained in China. Their families in the US wanted them safely returned home, of course, which the Chinese government had threatened not to do. Hammarskjold was sent to open a door with Zhou Enlai, the Premier, for the release of these airmen. Hammarskjold told Cooke that he considered himself to be a trustee of the airmen themselves and, as their agent in the free world, he did not ever want to say anything or seek out publicity that would harm their interests. If only diplomats and politicians had the same attitude today! Anyhow, Hammarskjold was indeed able to open that door and, for his fiftieth birthday in late July, Enlai said he would release the airmen as a personal gift to Dag. On August 1st, President Eisenhower offered a statement thanking the UN and Hammarskjold in particular for the humanitarian efforts involved. Rather than bragging on himself, Hammarskjold privately wrote that God did the work while he held the can of paint below.

End quote. I wonder how much the workplace would look different, not just for introverts, but period in general, how much the workplace would look different if we were able to utilize some of that same humility and quiet diplomacy. It's not about who can shout the loudest, and it's not about who can brag the most on their own accomplishments. Who can get into a meeting and say, I'm the top salesperson, I'm the best of the best. I'm doing everything in this department. All of the rest of you are lazy pieces of dirt while I'm the one that's carrying the whole company. What would work look like if people really had that space to work in a way that makes them comfortable and that brings out their best characteristics? This was something that I've talked about numerous times with my Russian speaking friends, whether they live in Russia or the Ukraine or in Belarus, really, any Slavic country. It doesn't matter. People in Eastern Europe get this. And I can remember talking to my Russian speaking friends and being like, I don't understand for the life of me, this American hyper extroverted attitude towards work. I had a manager one time. I had an office. Thank God that was actually. It actually had walls and a door, as opposed to being in a cube farm. And I remember my manager at that particular job, and I'd never had the door closed, by the way, and he told me, yes, we have offices with doors, but I expect the door to be open 99% of the time. And my Russian friends were like, well, then what's the point of having a door? And also, in Moscow, there's no office where you would be told that there is no office where your manager would say you're not allowed to close the door and work in Russia, it's different. You're expected to be a serious employee. You're not expected to hang out at the water cooler and be a complete goof off. You're expected to actually work for the paycheck. So yeah, I don't, I don't get this western world American office culture thrust towards the tap dance, because I think that's what it is. You better have jazz hands and you better act like you want to be here. Otherwise we have a problem. Over on the job market journal, on October 3 of 2023 I published a post titled, it's all about control, always. And in there, I quote from an article that was published on the intercept, and I'll read from that now, Tim Gurner, an Australian real estate Titan and multi millionaire, made international news last week by being recklessly honest about his desire for unemployment to spike and regular workers to suffer. Gurner has been understandably condemned for this across the globe and has now issued a weak, vague apology. What truly deserves attention is why Gurner feels the way he does, and how it's precisely explained in an essay written in 1943 titled political aspects of full employment in IT polish economist Michael Kalecki argued that government spending could ensure a permanent economic boom with both lower employment and increased business profits. Crucially, however, Kalecki predicted that business executives would hate having what everyone else sees as a good economy, because it would allow regular people to be less subservient to them for the business class, no amount of money can replace the daily joy of watching your inferiors grovel when in your presence. End quote, I want to read that last part again, and I called it out on the job market journal in bold type. For the business class, no amount of money can replace the daily joy of watching your inferiors grovel when in your presence, it's not about productivity, it's about compliance, obedience and control. You have to be able to get up and give me jazz hands and tap dance, and you better be loud and you better do what you're told you.

I would again make my plea for quiet diplomacy in the workplace. What would it look like if we moved toward an environment that's respectful for a variety of communication types and understanding that some people are okay with being loud and boisterous, some people want to tap dance and give jazz hands, and some people don't. Some people want that time during the day to get up and close the door, maybe put on some light music in the background and just work to really go into deep work. Some people find that type of work to be the most meaningful, the most meaningful part of their work day is when they're actually absorbed in the work, and not when they're hanging out at the coffee pot and not when they're getting roped into some social event. What would it look like if we stopped doing those things and we simply focused on the work. I wonder how much productivity would occur to the point where we wouldn't even need a 40 hour work week. You really wouldn't need somebody to be butt in seat Monday through Friday, from eight to five, if you cut out the nonsense meetings, if you cut out the socialization, forced socialization, and you let people do what felt comfortable and what what felt natural to them.

How would things change? It's a utopian fantasy. I know that, but it's at least a point to ponder. Stay safe, stay sane, stay quiet if you choose to, and I'll see you in the next episode.

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