Flakes: Why People Overpromise and Underdeliver

Have you ever been let down by someone who promised big but failed to follow through? In this episode, we’re diving into the psychology of flakiness—why people overpromise and underdeliver, and how it affects relationships, trust, and your own energy. We’ll explore whether it’s insecurity, avoidance, or something deeper. Plus, I’ll share my personal experiences with overpromisers, how I’ve learned to let go of false promises, and why surrounding yourself with sincere, “yes” energy people is a game-changer. Tune in for an honest, relatable discussion about recognizing flaky behavior, setting boundaries, and reclaiming your peace of mind.

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Transcript

 Transcription by Otter.ai.  Please forgive any typos!

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

Flakes, overpromising, underdelivering, emotional processing, staffing industry, lifers, career instability, client loyalty, non-compete, self-publishing, book promotion, people pleasing, commitment issues, unconscious lying, YES energy.

Welcome to the Causey Consulting Podcast. You can find us online anytime at CauseyConsultingLLC.com, and now here's your host, Sara Causey.

Hello, hello, and thanks for tuning in. In today's episode, I want to ask the question, is there anybody in your life, maybe your social circle, a neighbor, colleagues, somebody in your family who has the tendency to be a flake, they over promise and under deliver. Maybe they talk a blue streak about things they're going to do, places they're going to go, events they want to take you to, etc. But then when it's time to actually, you know, do it, they're nowhere to be found. As I've said before, I know that when I'm experiencing something, or there's something that's getting under my skin in some way, I'm not alone. Somebody else is experiencing this too. And I can record an episode, and years later, someone will say, whenever you did that two years ago, three years ago, it's like you were talking to me right now today, because I just had the same thing happen. So this is going to be either on someone's mind right now or in the future, somebody else will be having the same discovery. And I want to give a little back story about why this is on my mind now. I don't want to dwell on flakes and things that are unwanted. I don't want us to sit around and go too far down this rabbit hole. I really want to talk about it so that we can process it and then move on with our lives. It's not good to suppress or repress emotions, because then it's like all that pressure and tension. It's going to find a way out, and that could be overeating or under eating. It could be stress and getting really snippy and hateful to people who have nothing to do with the flakes in your life. It could be biting your nails or grinding your teeth. So we don't want to punish our own body by refusing to acknowledge an emotion you want to feel, what you need to feel, and then move on from it. But sometimes we have to sit in discomfort and be like, You know what? I'm really aggravated this person made a promise to me, and it meant something to me, and now where the hell are they? So let's get into this. I'll begin with a story. Years back, I was working for an agency outside the home for somebody else, and I really was not happy. I don't want to go too into the details there, because I've already talked numerous times about working outside the home for other people made me miserable. No need to belabor the point. If you're an entrepreneur, if you're a freelancer, if you've taken the plunge of going out on your own, you get it. You know why you had to pursue your freedom. You were running from something that really was terrible, most likely, so many offices are nowadays. Let's quit pussy footing around and call a thing a thing. So many offices are just awful. So I wasn't happy there, and I knew that I wanted to make a change. And in the staffing industry, there are different types of employees, and they seem rather polarized. On the one hand, you have lifers that never leave. They get into one particular staffing agency, and they start to feather their nest, and they just don't leave. It doesn't matter how many bosses they have, it doesn't matter how many colleagues they have, the revolving door of staffing, it's like they just say, I'm staying here. I am going to be the last person standing up in this joint, and that's just how I'm doing it. But those people are fewer and farther between for the most part, in staffing. People play musical chairs. They're at a for two years, and then they're at B for one year, and then they go back to A, and then they're over at C for six months, and then they go back to B, and then they're over at D for three years, and then they go back to A, but then b lures them away, and they spend a career, an entire career, be bopping around. It reminds me of the cliche that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, yet hoping for a different result, and I had made up my mind, like I don't want that. That's not the kind of career, that's not the kind of life that I want to have. I'm tired of looking around thinking that I'm going to get a bigger, better deal at some other agency, and as soon as the honeymoon period wears off, it sucks. Any company can roll out a red carpet for you in the beginning, but how is it six months in one year in two years in etc? And I had a number of clients who told me, unbidden and unsolicited, I want to be very clear about that, because it's germane to the point that I'm making. They told me, If. You ever leave. If you go to another agency, or you set out a shingle and you go into business for yourself, we will follow you. We're not doing business with this company because of them. We're doing business with them because of you. It's you. We want you. We are. Of course, that's flattering and it feels good. The thing of it was I wasn't giving them a discount or doing free work. There was no quid pro quo for them saying these things to me. I wasn't asking them to say those things to me. I wasn't fishing for compliments. These statements were being made unbidden. All right, so let's fast forward into the future. I do set a shingle out and go out on my own, and I kept my nose clean. I didn't solicit anybody that I wasn't supposed to. I abided by my non compete. I mean, I think now always check with a lawyer. All right, I am not a lawyer, and I don't pretend to be one. I don't even play one on TV, haha. But in a number of states, non competes are getting to be less and less enforceable. I think they're probably really on their way out. But again, always check with a lawyer and make sure that you're on the correct side of the law. And I made sure that I was too. I kept my nose clean. And I thought the law of averages says that if 20 people say we'll follow you, a lot of them won't, but if four or five of them do, then that's still a good situation, because when you're out on your own, you're not splitting the pie so many different ways. Staffing agencies are set up, a lot like the cliche about how the house always wins in Vegas, even if you're up and you're a high roller no over time, the house always wins. That's how they make their money. And so it is with an agency, they'll tell you now, this is all my opinion based on my experience. Your opinions and your experiences may differ. Okay, probably they won't, but they could. It's set up the same way. You have to give up a chunk of your commission in order to have the so called security and infrastructure of the agency. But then when you're out on your own and you're not splitting the pie so many different ways, then you get to keep more of what you've actually earned. So if you have four or five people that actually do make good on their word, and they do follow you, that can be some good income. Well, crickets, tumbleweeds. Spoiler alert, Nobody followed me. Nobody, nobody. And I'm not going to play tough. I'm not going to act hard and be like, well, whatever f them, it hurt my feelings. And one of the things that was so puzzling about it to me was, why did they go out of their way to lie. They weren't getting any benefit out of it, at least not that I could tell. So what was the flipping point of seeking me out to say, hey, look, if you ever leave, we're gonna follow you. Okay, I left, and then they didn't follow. And even after my non solicit and non compete was up and I was totally free to call them, they still didn't leave. Then either it was like, Well, you know, we're we're, we don't have anything going on right now, but it sure is good to hear from you. I bet your business is doing great because you're so talented. Yeah, thanks. So that aggravated me. It really did. Now, I knew I wasn't completely naive. I knew that I was going to have to spend a lot of time doing new client development, business, development, marketing, getting my name out there and just finding other people. But again, it just nagged at me, like I don't understand why somebody would go out of their way to tell a lie. May it just, it makes no sense to me. Now we can fast forward in time again. As you know, I've published this book about Dag. I don't want to, you know, be labor that point in this episode, either. But I had several people in my life, again, unbidden. This was not a scenario where I went to them and I said, Hey, I'm writing this book, and as soon as it hits Amazon, you better get your ass on there and you better buy a copy, or we've got a problem. I don't do that to people. How presumptuous. I would never tell somebody, Hey, you better do this, or we're not friends anymore. Hey, you better do this or or I'll disown you as my family member. I don't I don't do stuff like that. The conversations were more like this, well, what's been going on? Well, I've been writing, and I'm gonna self publish this book, because it's so deeply meaningful to me. I do not want to turn it over to a publishing house and then have it become unrecognizable. Like I love DAG. I care for him so deeply, and I this is a passion project. I want to make sure that it's true, true to his essence, and it. Doesn't get distorted and jacked around by some publishing house, because I'll spill some more tea for you, and I'm not going to name any names here, but I will tell you that I did get approached by a couple of publishing houses, and I turned them down. And I'll tell you why they were very like pushy about wanting me to make the book about Orange Man. And it was basically like, we'll write the book. Let's say 80% about the Orange Man, and then only 20% about Dag, because no one gives a crap about Dag. No one cares. Not a household name anymore. No one gives a rip about him. But everybody cares about the Orange Man. They either love him or they hate him. And so whatever tactic that you take, whether it's positive or negative, if it's about the Orange Man, people will buy the book because his fans will buy it if they even if you're offending them, they'll buy it just so they can hate on you. And the people that hate him, that hate him, will buy the book just so they can join in on the dog pile. I'm sitting here like I don't want any of that. I'm writing a biography of Dag. I am doing this with Dag, and for Dag, it has nothing to do with the orange man at all. No. Nyet. Nein. No. Thank you. So I can go into the story about, hey, this has been busy because I've been writing and self publishing, and it's a lot of work, but I know it'll be worth it. I know that it will be worth it the right people will find it at the right time. It will speak to the right hearts, and that's all that matters. I don't give a rip if it becomes a best seller. If it does, that's great. If it doesn't, that's great too. If the right people find it. That is what really matters to me. And I would have people say, Oh, the day it hits Amazon, we're going to be ready, we're going to be buying it. I can't wait to read it. Yeah, sure. It's like that, like that famous line from streetcar where blades Dubois says, I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. That's how it's been. Strangers have been much more willing than people who told me to my face, oh, I can't I can't wait to buy this book. Here's a little news flash for some of y'all. If you've not self published before, there's a lot more information than you that you can glean from your Amazon dashboard than what the general public knows. That's just reality. So if somebody is major big time BS ing you, oh, I'm gonna buy that. I'm gonna download it and read it. There are ways to figure out if they really were telling you the truth or not. I'm just freaking saying. So I felt this sense of disappointment, like, Well, why would somebody lie? What? What's the what's the payoff there? Right? Because that's like, how Dr Phil says people don't continue to do a behavior if they're not getting a payoff for it. Now, the payoff can be real or the payoff can be totally imaginary in their own head, but they don't repeat a behavior unless they're getting some real or perceived payoff. So I would I really thought, like, what's the payoff here? What? It's triggering a bad memory for me of that first business that failed, and people that told me, Oh, we'll follow you. We'll we'll take our business elsewhere if you leave, because it's you, it's all about you. Sure it was, of course it was. And I'm like, well, what's the deal here? What is the deal? Well, you know me, I'm persistent, I'm curious, and I'm persistent, and when I want to get an answer, I'm going to get the answer. I want an inquiring minds want to know. And I wanted to know, what is the deal here, so I talked to a psychologist. Now this is all going to remain anonymous. We did not get into anything about specific people. And I want to be very clear about that. We really focused on generalities, like why human beings in general and not any type of specific person or persons, why human beings in general behave this way. What are the real or imagined payoffs? So if you're like me, and you've ever been curious about well, why do flakes flake? Why are there people that talk a blue streak and then they never follow up, like, what? What's going on with them? What's up with that? Well, I endeavor to get some answers for us. And so one of the things that she told me is that some people are. They're being truthful, or at least sincere in that moment, but then when it's actually time to pull out of the parking lot and drive the car, they're not for that, okay? They're sincere in the moment, but they don't have the follow through to actually do the task. So they may, in their own mind, genuine, genuinely believe it. If they say they're going to follow you, if you start your own company, they say they're going to buy something. Oh, you've opened up an Etsy shop. That's great. I can't wait to buy some crafts from you, but they're never going to do it. They may mean it when they. Say that they're going to do it in their own head. They may think that they're going to do it, but then when it's actually time to do it, they don't. And what the psychologist told me is that sometimes it's even inertia or laziness. You know, she was very careful to try to be priv and proper and say inertia, but hell, let's call it thing a thing laziness. Oh yeah, I told that person that I would shop at their Etsy side, or I told them that I would show up at their speaking engagement. But I don't feel like getting off the couch. I don't actually feel like going and doing that tonight, so I just won't. So that's that's one part of it. Another component, which I found really interesting is some people will do it because they're people pleasers. Maybe that's how they were raised, or maybe that's how they've tried to function in society, but they don't want to have any kind of conflict, and they don't want to feel like they made a moment weird. So they'll say whatever it is they think that you want to hear at that moment, even if you have not asked them. Hey, will you shop at my Etsy site if I put it up, or, Hey, would you buy my book? Would you come to my speaking gig? Would you do this and that? For me, I'd love to see you there. Are you willing to come? Even if you're not asking a direct question. What she explained to me is that there are some people that it's like, you know, I'm trying to be careful here, because I don't want to get too I don't want to get too judgy. But it's like, in their own mind, they feel the pressure, and they feel a discomfort with just saying, No, thanks. So something as simple as you saying, hey, I want to start my own boutique store, or I want to start putting some handmade crafts on Etsy and see how they do, just see if people will buy them, even though you're just saying, you know, hey, this is something I'm thinking about doing. You're not telling them I expect this and this and that. You're not asking them the direct question, Hey, will you support me if I do this just because you've brought it up in their presence? Some people interpret that as pressure, and they don't want to tell you no. And so I push back on this with a psychologist, and I'm like, Look, how is it people pleasing? If they're going to let you down, if they say, I will buy this from you, or I will support you, or I will show up, and then they don't, you're going to be pissed. Most people are going to be disappointed and or pissed. So they're not really pleasing you. And she said, But in the moment, that's the thing, and they're buying themselves some time, because there are some people that they know that they're never going to get called onto the carpet for not showing up or for not buying something, they feel like you're not going to be able to prove it. Oh, well, if the speaking engagement is really big, she'll never even know that I wasn't there. If he sells 10,000 book copies, then he'll never know that I wasn't one of the 10,000 that bought it right? They they're not imagining that you're ever going to call them out. So they think by saying something that sounds supportive in that moment, maybe they won't ever even get caught for not following through. Another thing that she brought up is just good old fashioned flaking out people who are struggling with commitment, and maybe they're disorganized, maybe they don't plan well, maybe they forget in passing. They may tell you, Sure, I'd be happy to do that. Well, that sounds really cool. I'll be sure to check it out. And then five seconds later, they've brain dumped it, and it means nothing to them. But you're sitting there like, Well, wait a minute. You told me you were gonna buy this, or you told me you were gonna show up. You told me we were going out seven o'clock on Friday night. It's 650 and where are you? Come on, man, some people are just flakes. Another one that I found really fascinating, that she bringed up, that she bringed up. I'm not even gonna cut that. I'm just gonna let it go through. I'm an English major. I'm so sorry. We have to laugh at ourselves. Another thing that she brought up that I found really fascinating was this idea of unconscious lying. And I'm like, that sounds juicy as hell. I want to get into this. Some people, it's like they're not even aware that they're lying to you, they are, but they're not cognizant of it. It's not intentional, and the intent is not malicious. And the way that she described it to me was, like aspirational, and so, like somebody may say, Yes, I'll come to your speaking gig on Wednesday afternoon. Mm. Yeah and and they may think that they mean it, but they don't. In other words, they aspire to be the kind of friend that would show up to support your speaking gig, but they're actually not. We could think about it this way, like with with diet and exercise, and there are some people that they'll go to the grocery store and they'll buy fruits and vegetables. And when they're standing in the store at that moment, they think, I will take these healthy products home and I will eat them. But instead, the fruit and veg gets pushed to the back of the fridge and it rots until it just has to go into the garbage or into a compost pile. And instead, they eat fast food and pizza. But when they're in the store, it feels good to imagine that they're the type of person that eats this more plant based diet. Well, it can be the same thing for somebody that is making a promise or a commitment to you. They want to feel like the person who would support you, but in actuality, they're not. Another thing she brought up, and I'll try to wrap up her list with this, because we could go on, but this is, this is a really, I want to keep it to a manageable episode here. Another thing she mentioned was they don't have any real investment. It may be that the initial like burst of energy, Oh, yay. I'd love to do that. That sounds fun. Or I'd love to support you in that way. It might just be shallow. It's like the cliche that talk is cheap. They may be telling you that, but they don't really mean it. It could be that they mean it in the moment, but yeah, when it's actually time to pay 999, for the book, or they see that you have little handmade crafts, and they're like, I don't really like any of these. It's not really for me. I don't know what I would do with it. That momentary excitement is not enough for them to want to move forward and look, there's some people that they may see the things that you've put online, and even if you're only charging 499, or 999, for it. They may look at that and say, I'm not interested enough. I would rather have my coffee run. I'd rather go and eat off the value menu at a fast food joint and clog my arteries than buy this thing that you're offering like I'm just not interested enough, and that's okay. They don't have to be, because here's the message that I want to leave you with, okay, we've talked about flakes and people that talk big, but they don't really do anything. They don't have follow through, and what's their motivation and all that. All right, we've had our little moment here to psychoanalyze. Why do people do that? Here's the good news. Here's the the ending on a positive note, those people are not your source. If those people were integral to your success, then they would suit up, show up and do what they're supposed to do. Period did now you can call it whatever you want, God, the universe, source energy, your Higher Self, your future self, the quantum realm. Use whatever nomenclature feels right to you. I try to run an inclusive program here, and I know that everybody has different religious or spiritual beliefs. Whatever it is that you believe is your source, God, the universe, whomever, whatever, that's your source, but these other people who over promised and under delivered, brush them off. It's not that important. With my business that failed. If that business was destined to succeed, it would have as terrible as that business failure was taking me to the edge of bankruptcy, ruining my credit score, ruining my emotions, throwing me into a dark night of the soul, style depression, where I felt suicidal and I wasn't sure I was going to going to go on. Man, I was like a phoenix from the ashes of that the life that I have now really was born in all the chaos and the suffering that took place then. So if those people had followed me, I don't think that I would be sitting here right now with this podcast. I don't think that I would be sitting here right now with a book on Amazon about someone I love and cherish more than anything in this world, my life is just so different. So it's like these people aren't they're not your source. If somebody is meant to give you a lucky break, if somebody is meant to show you favor, if somebody is meant to interact with your content, they will. They will. The universe God, however you want to put it, source energy, that higher power will make sure that the right people line up at the right time. So don't spend too much time worrying about these freaking flakes at the end of the day in my. Opinion, the people that really get hurt by them are them. Because I made the decision, you know, I'm like, All right, what can I do proactively about this after I feel, when I need to feel, what can I do? And I made the decision, I want to surround myself with people who are doers and makers, creators, people who have Yes energy if they say they're going to show up, they do, barring an emergency or a health crisis. They do if they say they're going to purchase something and be supportive. They do if they say they're going to set a goal and then go after it. They do. I'm not interested in armchair quarterbacks. I'm not interested in talkers and hot air and hopium artists. I don't need that in my life. It's not for me. So I can let it go. I can let go of those people, and not with a sense of hate either, like just go move around. You do? You go hang out with other flakes. And y'all can all flake out on each other, but I'm sticking to people with Yes energy. I'm sticking to people who do, who make, who create, who get down in the arena and do something that matters. And you can do the same thing too. Stay safe, stay sane, and I will see you in the next episode.

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